If you really knew me…
I’m a single parent of four beautiful children
I make it on my own yet
I’m finding it tough to handle things.
it’s hard to keep a smile on the outside
knowing that you are not doing
all you can without any strings
attached.
It breaks my heart
when I see my little souls cry.
Only to get hurt by the dad who
has scratched
them out of his life.
light wounds left festering,
forgotten and infected.
Withering with
self hatred, guilt and anger.
Blaming themselves for a relationship
they had no control of
for a marriage they didn’t
set anchor to.
their parents blindingly
set their paths,
knowingly raked their backs
of the common thread of disease
known as misleading love and abuse.
Abuse of the soul.
their souls that were left
barely whole
from parents abuse
of selfish lies and misguided cries.
I cry for my children each and every day
knowing I failed them in a very special way.
I still know I can’t ever make things okay.
Because I was part of the problem
and now they have to pay.
I condemn myself
a thousand times over.
knowing I can never
quite recover
all that I took from them.
I hang my head in self hate.
Point my own fingers in self blame.
Spill my own tears in judgment
only to know I will forever feel
their pain.
I know I’ am not a good parent
and I know I have wronged my loves.
If you really knew me…
being the one who hurt them,
is something I’m not proud of.
I made them witness my pain.
Made them see my shame.
Now I only have myself to blame.
for the spark of anger in their hearts
that will soon turn into a rage of flames.
I count in seconds if not minutes
each time they grow,
knowing that the memories i helped
imprint is something they will never
let go.
If you really knew me…
you’d know
That I can’t bear to do this alone.
That truth be told I’m scared,
to make this journey on my own.
But yet if I set the clock back,
new memories of different attacks
will come to be….
of lives that were never quite free.
I scarred my children
with scenes of filth.
Now all I have left is the pity
and the guilt.
So if you really knew me…
You’d see….
that it’s hard just to be….
knowing of what I have guided from.
Hoping that my children
are not products of what I have become.
If you really knew me…
© Copyrights August 26, 2011. By Terri Johnson