If You Really Knew Me

If you really knew me…

 

I’m a single parent of four beautiful children

I make it on my own yet

I’m finding it tough to handle things.

 

it’s hard to keep a smile on the outside

knowing that you are not doing

all you can without any strings

attached.

 

It breaks my heart

when I see my little souls cry.

Only to get hurt by the dad who

has scratched

them out of his life.

 

light wounds left festering,

forgotten and infected.

Withering with

self hatred, guilt and anger.

 

Blaming themselves for a relationship

they had no control of

for a marriage they didn’t

set anchor to.

 

their parents blindingly

set their paths,

knowingly raked their backs

of the common thread of disease

known as misleading love and abuse.

 

Abuse of the soul.

their souls that were left

barely whole

from parents abuse

of selfish lies and misguided cries.

 

I cry for my children each and every day

knowing I failed them in a very special way.

I still know I can’t ever make things okay.

Because I was part of the problem

and now they have to pay.

 

I condemn myself

a thousand times over.

knowing I can never

quite recover

all that I took from them.

 

I hang my head in self hate.

Point my own fingers in self blame.

Spill my own tears in judgment

only to know I will forever feel

their pain.

 

I know I’ am not a good parent

and I know I have wronged my loves.

If you really knew me…

being the one who hurt them,

is something I’m not proud of.

 

I made them witness my pain.

Made them see my shame.

Now I only have myself to blame.

for the spark of anger in their hearts

that will soon turn into a rage of flames.

 

I count in seconds if not minutes

each time they grow,

knowing that the memories i helped

imprint is something they will never

let go.

 

If you really knew me…

you’d know

That I can’t bear to do this alone.

That truth be told I’m scared,

to make this journey on my own.

 

But yet if I set the clock back,

new memories of different attacks

will come to be….

of lives that were never quite free.

 

I scarred my children

with scenes of filth.

Now all I have left is the pity

and the guilt.

 

So if you really knew me…

 

You’d see….

that it’s hard just to be….

knowing of what I have guided from.

Hoping that my children

are not products of what I have become.

 

If you really knew me…

 

© Copyrights August 26, 2011.  By Terri Johnson

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One Response to “If You Really Knew Me”

  1. themessengerpoet Says:

    You is an amazing poet

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