My lost redemption

Recently I have had a lot to think about and somethings are good and some things are bad.  You see for some who don’t know my son Teagan Johnson was 15 years old when he shot and killed by a gang member on October 12, 2013.  He was just 15 years old and that night he was on his way home.  His murderer still roams free and is still alive and well. This fact alone brings me great anger and pain.  Yet the question remains when the subject about forgiveness comes up, can you forgive this person?  can I?  yet how can I forgive someone who shot my son to death when i cant even forgive my self for letting my son  go that night or the fact that i wasn’t there when he died?

It is because of these facts that hold a huge amount of shame guilt and anger.  Yet I can’t seem to deal with all these emotions that swirl through my brain on a daily basis.  It was like Teagan took huge chunks of each of us with him and now we are all lost.  When I say “we”, i mean my other sons Colin and Sage and my daughter Malaya.  It’s like we all swim in a huge sea not really finding our way and just flailing haphazardly here and there just brokenly going with the ebb and flow of the waves.  That is until we crash over and over again against the rocks of reality.  It s a grief we cant seem to find a way to deal with.  A grief that consumes us and embraces us tight that we seem to lose our bearings in the world every now and then.

These emotions seem to overwhelm and it is because of this backlog I choose to write what is now on my mine. My grief suffocates me to the point that i have made so much stupid choices and now i must face the consequences of these choices.  These horrendous choice shave come when i clouded my sanity with alcohol.  It is because of these choices it has affected my relationships and also my whole life in general.  I can only now take responsibility for the actions and thoughts i myself have done.  All which have been because of the addictions i now face due to my inability to cope with reality without my son.  I’m now considered what i now realize to call myself and that is an alcoholic.  I chose to drink to the point where i numbed the deeper part of everything that was me.  I’m far from perfect, in fact i feel I’m so tarnished beyond recognition.  I feel I have failed my children in this aspect and also that of my now deceased son.  I know I’m beyond being a good mother but i continue to do as i must for each of them and i do struggle like any single can.

I try not to lie to my children but its the fact that I have been destroying myself openly that I’m robbing them and giving them so much of negativity that its hindering my ability to parent on an appropriate level.  Although I don’t drink or subject them to my drunkenness I still give them that state when i come home after I drink.  To me this is unfair and to them it is unfair and its a cycle i put us all through.  It’s not that i wont go into detail as to my accounts of shenanigans i have done while inebriated it’s just the issue itself that is still just as much damaging.  I have decided I’m selfish and it saddens me because i have been a giving person even in past abusive relationships.  But this is how i now see myself.  I see this shell of me as ugly and shaded as bile that rises in my throat when im sick from drinking too much from the night before.  It’s the shell of me that has destroyed a lot of close relationships and I have pushed away and severed so many relationships in the past two years that i cant keep up with my trail of destruction.  These relationships I miss so dearly and the people whom i still love are now far away from me.  Even poetry in which i have used as a gateway for release has become less of a band-aid.

It’s the image I see of myself in the mirror everyday that disgusts me and brings me tons of sadness.  Its the ugly and the diseased as i now see myself that brings me the most pain.  It is the words that i have come to find so soothing a crack in my sanity a bain in my existence of a life that i feel is not my own.  I have done so much to create a wall of shame around myself that I have no idea how to get over.  I always thought of myself as a superhero where i could knock down any wall, now i have built them so high i feel i cant get over them.  I have hurt so many people and caused them so much pain.  For this i apologize and i can never take back the wounds or cover and scars that i have now given their souls.  I’m so sorry for this.  It is why i condemn myself over and over again, day after day.  Like i said…im not perfect nor will i ever try to be and nor will i ever claim the title of perfection.

You see I have drunk so much to the point that i have been fogged or blacked out in the things i have done or things that have happened to me.  One of which is rape.  this one time i woke with no pants or underwear and just a blouse on that had ties which appeared to have been cut or torn.  That day and the days after i felt so much shame and disgust in myself because i had no idea as to what had taken place.  I knew i was violated but to what extent is still buried deep within the recesses of mind.  This on top of being violated as a child and as a teen i knew this shame is one of the scars on my back i will hold with me with every continued step that i now take in my life.  If i could take back the shell of me that was once pure and innocent i would grab hold of it for dear life and never let it go.  But i cant….. That person, that child, that woman is now gone.  So many chunks have been taken from me I’m now feeling that maybe there isn’t anything left of me.  Which is why i cant redeem those parts of me that are now gone forever.  I have trouble getting to recognize and love the me that i now am….Since i’m now lost from total redemption.

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One Response to “My lost redemption”

  1. love heals . . . i love you Terri

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